Grocery Shopping

I should have married an urbanite instead of my poor old country boy. Then I could live in a high rise apartment, ride the elevator to my underground parking space, and order my groceries online and have them delivered.

But the joy of living with my man in the rural outback of Virginia means that I must make the dreaded trip to the 'Food Puppy' every other week.

I'm sure that somewhere, in some forgotten ghost town, the Food Puppy is bright and shiny and clean and spacious. In the real world, every one I have been to is decorated and maintained for the trailer trash crowd.

What do I mean? The prices are good but not the lowest. The produce is okay. The meat is normally cut by some alien butcher from parts that never appeared on a cow in my neck of the woods. The selection is solidly mainline. The floors are perpetually dirty. The clerks spend an inordinate amount of time on their cell phones. The local weirdo/drunk/panhandler has a reserved seat on the handicapped cart parked in front of the store.

I long for the spotless aisles of a web-based supermarket, well-stocked with quality products. If I want to prepare veal piccata, I don't have to wait for a week for my local alien butcher to order a veal loin. My store would have veal cutlets ready and waiting. They would call a round steak a round steak and not '2D Lower Roast for Braising'. I could order diced pears in light syrup instead of settling for pear halves in heavy syrup from some unknown manufacturer. I would create my menus and know that everything was there unlike my Food Puppy where I have to rework my dishes based on what they decided to stock this week. A lovely online shopping cart would complete my order without loudly chewing gum or chatting with friends. There would be no marathon trips back and forth from the back of the car, around the house, in the side door, up the stairs, up the stoop and into the kitchen.

Do I ask for too much? What part of my peaceful rural existence would I have to give up to have a decent grocery? Why do shoppers put up with the likes of Food Puppy and Wally Mart?

I can but only dream. And next week I will make the pilgrimage and worship at the altar of the Lion and once again come away unfulfilled.